Going Under
by Human Chew Toy
Summary: Rating to be safe. A song fic using Evanescence's song "Going Under." Just something that assailed my mind and inhibited my writing eye. So I wrote it to make it go away. Enjoy! -


A/N: I was actually in the middle of my other story, "Against All Hope," listening to this song, and I realized how perfect it would be. So tell me what you think.  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN RK OR EVANESCENCE OR ANY OF THEIR SONGS.  
  
~^~^~  
  
/Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
Fifty thousand tears I've cried/  
  
Battousai stormed towards his room, pausing only at the entrance to the enormous study. "Kai has been taken care of." he growled. "Very good Himura. Now go rest, we'll be needing you again." Battousai's face contorted itself into a mask of hatred. Couldn't they see he hated this killing?  
  
He crashed angrily up the stairs, gritting his teeth and tightening his hold on the sharp katana at his side, lest someone befriend him for the noise he made. Once inside his room the tears fell freely. How had he gotten sucked into this bloody purgatory?  
  
/Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you  
and you still won't hear me  
Goin' under.../  
  
"Kenshin? Is everything ok?" Tomoe asked quietly. His open faced scowl hadn't vanished as it usually did, not even when she'd explained how she'd played with the village children. Usually Kenshin would at least smile at the thought of children. They were--after all-- the only reason he stayed in the bloody affairs of the government.  
  
"I'm fine." Kenshin lied through clenched teeth. "Just a little stressed." he flung the black envelope aside. How many times did he have to tell them he didn't want it anymore? 'Just once more...' he told himself. 'Once more, and then I'll tell them again.' Shaking with supressed anger he walked outside and screamed his frustration at the black sky. Overhead a red moon shone, symbolizing the death soon to come.  
  
/Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once/  
  
"Why?!" Kenshin demanded.  
  
"He must be taken care of; he's a danger to our authority."  
  
"Whatever." Battousai snarled, turning his back. "I don't care anymore. I'm beginning to believe this government will be just as corrupt as the last." And with that he left the stunned Ishin Shishi officials to their meeting.  
  
"He's getting out of hand." one quietly consorted. "But Himura is our strongest asset!" another protested. "Don't worry about him...he'll come to his senses."  
  
/I'm tormented daily defeated by you  
just when I thought I'd reached the bottom/  
  
Would they never leave him alone? Yet again, another black night, another black envelope...another death. He would be killing again tonight. He knew the reason he never rested was obvious, but hated it nonetheless. Couldn't they entrust it to someone else?  
  
Just one night...that's all he wanted. One night from the insanity, a short rest to calm his nerves. But they insisted that he go this night, go that night...and he let them bully him. He, Himura Kenshin, Battousai the Manslayer, let some stuffed shirt politicians manipulate him. He loathed them with every fiber of his being.  
  
/I'm dying again  
Goin' under.../  
  
He'd done it again. The sky was red, and it was all his fault...everything was red. He sheathed his sword, not even bothering to clean it. He'd do that later. He had to leave this place, he couldn't be seen. He could feel what this lifestyle was doing to him. He was dying on the inside. One day he would snap, and he both dreaded and welcomed that day.  
  
/Drowning in you  
Falling forever.../  
  
Spinning, falling, faster, deeper, farther...how could this have happened? What had he done to deserve this? 'Some question!' his mind screamed, 'WHEN YOU KILL PEOPLE EVERY NIGHT!'  
  
So his deeds had finally caught up to him...and now his Tomoe was gone. All he had left of her was the gash in his left cheek, and the blood that remained on his body from her lifeless body. He sobbed over her cold, pale form, knowing in his heart that he would never be the same. He would never be able to face the world again, not after what he'd done.  
  
/I've got to break through  
I'm going under/  
  
Enough was enough. He wouldn't mope about anymore, feeling sorry for himself, he would continue and everything would be fine. He'd lose himself in the nightly killing ritual, maybe in that he could forget. Something out there had to make him forget. Everyone spoke about and to him in hushed voices now, as if he was a walking shrine. He was sick of their pity, sick of his OWN pity, sick of everything and everybody. He just wanted to lose himself and get out of this stupor. He had to bring himself out. So he hid his anguish within himself.  
  
/Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
So I don't know what's real and what's not/  
  
"Just take it ok?" Kaoru pleaded. Kenshin reluctantly accepted the indigo ribbon, and inside his heart panged as he was forced to remember all the times he tried to give Tomoe ribbons. She'd always refused...but still. Kaoru beamed, and Kenshin knew she took it as a sign that he wouldn't leave, but still he played stupid. "Now, you can't run off and not give that back to me, cause that's my favorite ribbon Kenshin." 'AH HA!' his mind screamed.  
  
He opened his mouth to reply to her, a smile played gently on his face, and then...Kaoru was gone. Jin'eh laughed manically from the cart spiralling away with his Kaoru. It was happening again. Someone was trying to take what was his. A strange red bled into his vision.  
  
/Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
So I can't trust myself anymore  
I'm dying again/  
  
"A manslayer is a manslayer 'til the day he dies Battousai!" Jin'eh declared triumphantly. Kenshin knew there was a manslayer inside of him, he didn't need Jin'eh to point this out. But Kenshin didn't want that part of him out, ever again. Jin'eh saw this reluctance and turns to Kaoru after successfully beating Kenshin down again. His eyes flash and Kaoru freezes. Only single syllables leave her lips: "Ken....shin...."  
  
The manslayer was coming back, he couldn't stop him. He didn't WANT to stop him. Jin'eh had rankled his anger, and that was a scary thing to do. Kenshin's eyes flashed amber, he was no longer the kind rurouni. "Let me give you a taste of why they call me the Battousai." he growled, settling into the stance of Battou-jitsu. Jin'eh grinned and the real battle commenced.  
  
Jin'eh attacked with a ferocity known only to a manslayer, but veered away at the last minute. Kenshin's inner pride swelled; he knew that Jin'eh hadn't really wanted to make himself stronger. No, he knew the truth. Jin'eh was scared.  
  
The battle progressed, more and more nastily until finally it came down to one blow. Jin'eh attacked, but Battousai had other ideas, and then suddenly Jin'eh's arm hung uselessly from his side. It would never be used for sword fighting again. He paused, his sword inches from sending Jin'eh to meet his maker, and yet Jin'eh still taunted him. "Why do you wait Battousai? She will die unless you kill me." he jeered. "For you, Kaoru...I will become a manslayer once again!"  
  
"DON'T!!!"  
  
And Kenshin stopped. What had he been doing?! How could he have been about to take another life, whether it be innocent of crime or not!? He would have to be more careful.  
  
/I'm going under  
Drowning in you  
Falling forever  
I've got to break through/  
  
What was this he felt? It was similar to what he'd felt for Tomoe...except...stronger. He refused to let himself believe he was in love with Kaoru, after all, he'd only known her a few weeks! He couldn't risk her being christened "Battousai's Woman." She would be constantly in danger, and there was bound to be a time he couldn't protect her. So he buried these feelings inside too. And they festered more than the rolling anguish of the past years.  
  
/So go on and scream,  
scream at me I'm so far away/  
  
"Does he hate me?" Kaoru wondered. Kenshin seemed so distant, so cold, it was like he was a million miles away. She'd had to bop him with her bokken twice just to get him through lunch today, and he hadn't said anything more than "Thank you, Kaoru-dono."  
  
Living with him was so frustrating, yet Kaoru couldn't imagine life without him.  
  
/I won't be broken again  
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under/  
  
"We need you in Kyoto, Himura. Perhaps your demons will find a resting place there also." Kenshin sat absorbed in his own thoughts. Leaving would mean Kaoru would be alone...but he needed to do this. He had to get Shishio under control, Japan couldn't fall under his control. It was up to him. Again.  
  
***  
  
"Farewell." Kenshin turned and walked away. Kaoru fell to her knees. He was really leaving her? He was leaving her! And yet all she could do was sob, all she could do was sit on her knees and pray that this was only a bad dream, that she would wake up and Kenshin would be there to draw her bath and to cook her breakfast and...  
  
With everything Kaoru imagined, the tears fell faster. She needed him, couldn't he see this?! She threw a tortured, agonized scream into the air. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME WHEN I NEEDED YOU?"  
  
***  
  
Kenshin walked alone in the darkness, sword at his side and mind tormented by the state of anguish he'd left Kaoru in. Would he ever see her again? Why did HE have to go? The government always had such ways to corner him. He remembered Tomoe, and all the pain of her death mixed with leaving Kaoru. Kenshin knew he would be ripped apart by the sheer force of his agony. He shook his fist at fate, and fell to his knees, screaming out all the agony inside. The screams of Battousai, Kaoru, and Kenshin all mixed as one before floating slowly towards the bloodred moon.  
  
~^~^~  
  
A/N: Well, I'm finished...whatdya think? 


End file.
